Lama sungguh tak update jurnal nih.

Anyway, since then, so many things have changed. I changed my schedule again. This time my first class is at 9 in the morning. And all those 9am-classes are lectures. I just worried that someday in the middle of the semester I will become lazy. So I took precaution.

At the end of the first week, I finally agreed that this semester was not to good to begin with. I had so many problems that at one time, I bursted in the middle of the night. I couldn't stand those feelings that I have been constraining. They were keep coming, one after another. Sometimes, I just wondered, why I am being tested like this.

My friends asked, and I could do nothing other than smiling... Pretending to enjoy "the jokes".

I just afraid that these problems might affect my studies. I am running away, and I afraid that I will run away from my responsiblities too. I just don't know where to turn to. I am used of being independent. I don't feel like sharing my problems and I don't feel like thinking bout them.

What's worse is that, these problems might send me back to Malaysia someday, where there is no return to the United States. I've been thinking bout this since last summer. I just pray that I can make it. This semester is crucial.

At this moment, I feel tired. I feel hopeless. I feel dependent, and I feel like a coward. I just hate these feelings. I wish I could comprehend the situation soon and make them fade away. I wish that I can return to a calm day, where I can focus on what I should be doing, rather than thinking hard to solve problems that shouldn't not appear.

Just now, we had a jamuan kesyukuran for our new muslim brother, Alex, at Ku's apartment. I just wonder how Alex thought about changing his faith and what is he thinking now after he accepted Islam as his new religion. I know it's not easy but something must had triggered his willing to discover Islam. Something strong enough that can change one's deep faith.

Not in this situation where his government just invaded Iraq.

I feel happy for him that he chose to live the way the Muslims live. I hope somebody (if not me) can hold his hands, teaching him about how wonderful Islam is so one day he will be grateful. I hope that that somebody feels what I feel now, Alex as a white snow, "unsinned".

Posted by Ahmad Fadzli on January 25, 2004 at 3:52:00 PM | Permalink